


Good Enough

by wolfie_winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Dean Blames Himself, Dean Needs Love, Dean-Centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s12e03 The Foundry, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Self-Hatred, but what else is new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 16:31:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8408758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfie_winchester/pseuds/wolfie_winchester
Summary: In the aftermath of being abandoned by his mother, Dean calls the one person he knows won't ever leave him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise, surprise, I'm jumping on this angst-ridden bandwagon.

Dean can’t breathe. His vision has gone blurry and he  _ can’t breathe _ . He feels like his chest is caving in, like he’s being torn open from the inside out. He has enough sense to not collapse in the middle of the library, but just barely. He knows he should check on Sam. He should be the one comforting his brother, who looks in no better state than him. But all Dean wants to do is let this black hole inside him swallow him up. 

 

He doesn’t run to his room like he feels like doing. He doesn’t have the energy. All he can do is stumble along, tripping over the threshold into his room and going for his phone. What he really wants to do is drink, and maybe, after this call is over, he will. He’ll drink until he can’t see straight, until he forgets the crushing pain in his chest. But right now all he wants is someone who won’t leave him - who won’t tell him they love him while simultaneously walking out on him. 

 

The phone rings three times and Dean finally feels like he can breathe, just a little bit. Just enough to sob, “ _ Cas _ ,” into the speaker. 

 

“Dean? Dean, what happened?” Cas asks urgently. God, he’s always so worried about him. Dean hates himself for loving it. Hasn’t the angel learned he’s not worth worrying about? 

 

“M-Mary. She - she’s gone,” he manages to say. “She left us. She left  _ me _ . I wasn’t... I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t the Dean she remembers. Cas, please, I need you.” 

 

“I’m on my way,” Cas says. 

 

Dean hears the sound of an engine starting up and he suspects that Cas is about to hang up. Desperate, he shouts out, “Wait!” 

 

“What?” 

 

“Don’t... don’t hang up yet?” It’s a question and Cas could totally ignore his innane blubbering and end the call already, but he doesn’t. Instead, his voice goes all soft and gentle and, “Of course, Dean,” as Dean hears the door shutting. 

 

“Th-Thanks,” Dean says. He lets out a shaky sob mixed with a laugh and it sounds terrible. “I’m sorry I’m like this. You must hate me.”

 

“Never,” Cas says vehemently. “I could never hate you, Dean.”

 

“You don’t have to lie. I - I know I’m awful. Why do you think Mom left? ‘Cos I’m too fucked up. I’m too needy and I drink too much and I’m nothing like the son she wanted. I disappointed her, Cas. I could tell. She - she said she loved us, when she left, but she... but she still  _ left! _ ” 

 

The tears are well and truly falling now, but at least Cas isn’t here to see it. Dean wipes them away, but it’s useless because more quickly and easily take their place. He’s shaking and he just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. 

 

“You didn’t disappoint her, Dean,” Cas says gently. He sounds so convincing and Dean wants to believe him, but he can’t. “She remembers the boy you were and she doesn’t know the man that you’ve grown to become, but she isn’t disappointed in you. I know that much. She’s still your mother. She still loves you.” 

 

“She still loves  _ them _ ,” Dean spits, and he feels angry at Mary even though he knows it’s not her fault. He hates feeling like this, but he can’t make it go away. “She loves the version of us she had in Heaven. But she doesn’t love  _ us _ .”

 

“Dean-” 

 

“It’s true. I could see it in her eyes. She even told us she misses them,” he says. 

 

“I miss Heaven sometimes,” Cas says, and Dean’s a little caught off guard at the change in subject, but the angel just continues. “I miss watching the man who would always fly his red kite. I miss my brothers and sisters grooming my wings before the war tore us apart. I miss my nest and my garden and the songs of the host.” 

 

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Dean asks. 

 

“I’m only telling you this because I know what it’s like. It takes time to adjust. To find a new place where you belong. Mary has only been here for a few weeks. It’s been years for me and even now I sometimes find myself feeling as though I don’t belong here,” Cas says. He pauses for a beat. “But that doesn’t mean that I think any less of you or the other humans on this planet. I miss Heaven, yes, but I also love Earth. And given time, I think Mary will come to feel the same.” 

 

“Are... are you sure?” he asks. Cas sounds so certain, but Dean’s learned how dangerous it can be to let himself hope for anything. 

 

“I am,” Cas says firmly. 

 

Dean inhales shakily and tries not to sob directly into Cas’ ear. 

 

“I don’t know,” he says. “I can’t believe that yet, Cas.”

 

“I know,” Cas says, sounding sad. “I’m sorry, Dean.” 

 

He laughs, verging on hysterical, and shakes his head. 

 

“Why are  _ you _ sorry? I’m the one throwing the pity party here. I don’t even know why you’re even coming all this way. I thought you were hunting down Lucifer.” 

 

“I am, but Crowley and Rowena are-” 

 

“What,” Dean says, chest suddenly tight. Cas is working with Crowley again? He tries not to let the feeling of betrayal seep into his voice, but he can’t help the way his voice has gone thin. “Why? Cas, haven’t you learned-” 

 

“It’s not like that,” Cas rushes to assure him. “I was looking for leads on my own when Crowley... accosted me. He wouldn’t leave even when I told him I didn’t want to work with him. I’m sorry, Dean. But I promise, I have learned from my past mistake. I won’t betray you again, I swear it.” 

 

It doesn’t make Dean feel any better, but he feels like he owes it to Cas to at least trust him a little bit. After all, it’s more than what he deserves after everything Dean’s put him through these past few years. In fact, Dean doesn’t even blame him. Of course Cas would pick the king of Hell over him. Dean is just a stupid, powerless human who breaks everything he touches. 

 

“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Dean mumbles. “It’s not like I’m surprised. First Mom and now you-” 

 

“Dean, please,” Cas says, his own voice breaking now. “I swear to my father that I haven’t chosen him over you. You’re the most important person in the entire universe to me.” 

 

Dean closes his eyes and wishes that he had a drink in his hand right now. He still doesn’t know what’s stopping him from raiding the kitchen. Maybe the disappointment he knows he’d hear in Cas’ voice. He doesn’t know if he could stand hearing that after Mary already left him. 

 

“Don’t. Don’t say shit just to make me feel better. We both know you don’t mean that,” Dean says. 

 

“It’s the truth. I promise it is. When I get home, I’ll prove it to you,” he says. 

 

Something in Dean warms at hearing Cas call the bunker home and he lets out a shaky breath, trying to calm down. 

 

“Okay. Just... please hurry?” 

 

“I’ll be there as soon as possible.” 

 

Dean nods and he’s the one to hang up and let his phone fall where it may. He’s not talking to Cas now and the angel won’t be back for another few hours, so Dean makes his way out to the kitchen. Sam is gone, probably in his own room drowning his sorrows and Dean should go talk to him, tell him everything is going to be okay. But he doesn’t know if he can do that when he doesn’t even believe it himself. 

The world is all blurry and there are bottles littering the floor in his room by the time Cas walks in. Dean looks up, and for a moment, the lights in the hallway seem to form a halo above Cas’ head. Dean wants to laugh but he doesn’t think he can right now. Instead he just brings the bottle in his hand to his lips and empties the rest of it.

* * *

 

 

“Dean,” Cas says, and Dean’s drunken mind thinks  _ Yep, there’s that disappointment _ even when Cas comes over and pulls him gently into his arms, prying the bottle from his fingers. Cool grace washes over him and the numbness disappears, leaving Dean raw and aching again. But this time, Cas is here and he’s holding him and Dean is in too much pain to care what he thinks when he buries his face in Cas’ shirt and starts sobbing. 

 

He cries until his throat is raw and the tears cease to fall. His chest jumps with little hiccups every now and then and he’s trembling, shaking hard enough that he thinks he’ll fly apart. 

 

“Why... does everyone leave me?” he asks, not expecting a real answer. He already knows why. 

 

“I’m here,” Cas reminds him, tightening his arms around him. “And I’m not going anywhere. Ever. I promise, Dean. I will always be here for you. I will always come when you call.” 

 

“Why?” he says again. “I’m not... I’m not worth it. I don’t deserve - I just destroy everything. I couldn’t even keep my family together. I’m a fuck up, Cas. I don’t deserve you.” 

 

“You do. You deserve the world,” Cas whispers. “You give so much and never ask for anything in return.” 

 

“‘Cos anything I get I just break,” he says. 

 

“That’s not true.” 

 

“It is.” 

 

“It’s  _ not _ ,” Cas insists. He leans back and takes Dean’s face in his hands. “Dean, you are a good man that bad things have happened to. But you are not poison. You are not a monster or any number of things you may think negatively of yourself. What you  _ are _ is brave and resilient and strong and beautiful. You are everything, Dean Winchester. You are  _ my _ everything.” 

 

“Cas,” Dean chokes, blown away by the devotion this angel continues to show him even when he’s the last person on Earth who deserves it. “I don’t understand.” 

 

Cas just brushes the tears away from Dean’s cheeks and even though Dean knows he must look pathetic - face blotchy and eyes puffy - it doesn’t stop the angel from leaning in and kissing his forehead. Cas place soft, gentle lips to each of his eyelids, his cheeks and the corner of his mouth. Their lips brush together when Cas whispers, “I love you, Dean. And I will never leave you for as long as I exist.” 

 

Dean trembles under the weight of Cas’ words and he opens his mouth but no sound comes out. Cas only smiles and kisses him, breathing those three words into his mouth over and over again. Dean’s crying again and Cas pulls away, arms encircling him and tugging him close to his chest. 

 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers. “I’ll always have you.” 

 

And Dean, despite his better judgement, believes him. 

  
  
  



End file.
